So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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