GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
