Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
