Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
