WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Randomize
