she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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