I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
