Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
