remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
