she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
