It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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