If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
