I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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