She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Randomize
