the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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