just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
