she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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