The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
