I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she told me i tasted like america
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
