He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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