Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
