I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
