Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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