Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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