Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
