i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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