Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
