Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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