Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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