Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
