____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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