He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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