but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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