well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
