Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
