Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
