My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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