somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just want nice things and good sex
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
false alarm, still single
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