Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I would fuck him just for his dog
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