a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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