friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
