Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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