i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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