you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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