I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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