Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
