So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Your penis caused this!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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