i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
