Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
