If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
